i am not admirable.

by Catholic School Suicide

supported by
/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

      $5 USD  or more

     

1.
(free) 02:25
2.
3.
4.
(free) 02:36
5.
(free) 03:31
6.
(free) 02:43

about

autobiography of my emotional state for the last year

credits

released January 16, 2017

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

Catholic School Suicide Joliet, Illinois

two angsty teenage queer kids with a grocery list of woes

contact / help

Contact Catholic School Suicide

Streaming and
Download help

Track Name: Just Get Better!
I have this bad bad feeling in my stomach, it’s so sick
It’s like I’m trying to throw up but it just won’t go quick.
It’s like that agonizing nausea when you know it lasts forever,
I’m so sick because these liars all say it gets better.

But it’s never gonna end, it only ever goes away
When I fill myself with drugs at the end of the day.
I’m so sick like that heavy feeling when there’s bad weather,
I’m so sick because these liars all say it gets better.

And I know I’m not the only one stuck in this limbo.
I just don’t really know where to go.
I feel like things are supposed to finally work out,
But I still haven’t grasped what recovering is about.

I’ve been trying my best for four years and still counting,
All I’ve ever had to show for it is feeling like drowning.
I don’t care if that’s a cliche, I’m just scraping my way by.
I don’t care if it’s a cliche to cope by getting high.

They say it makes you happy and they say you change,
But every day I can’t help but keep feeling strange.
The anxiety that bubbles in my body like acid
Leaves me wondering how nice it’d be to finally feel placid.

And I know I’m not the only one stuck in this limbo.
I just don’t really know where to go.
I feel like things are supposed to finally work out,
But I still haven’t grasped what recovering is about.

And I’m sorry that this is going so poorly.
Because I know you don’t want me to be so fucking sad.
But it’s hard on me
Cause I don’t know how to be anything else.
Anything else.
Track Name: If Bulimia is Some Kind of 80's Fashion Trend Then Call Me Marc Fucking Jacobs
You’ve been throwing up every day.
And you don’t know how to stay in one place for a minute
Without feeling like you take up too much space.
“Don’t complain” they all say.
“You’ve got nothing to complain about,
Others have it worse, so fuck off.
Don’t be dramatic.
Starving yourself doesn’t work.”
They think he doesn’t fucking know that?

So maybe you should stop sticking your fingers down your throat.
We both know that it’s slimy and chunky and gross.
And you can’t do it in the bathroom,
Or else mother dearest will know.
But I promise you,
I’ll keep shoving my fingers down your throat.

If you think I’m ever gonna go away,
you thought wrong, you fat fuck.
Whether I’m anorexia, bulimia, or BED,
Fuck you, I’m still here.
And I live to make you miserable,
And no matter how hard you try to ditch me,
One look in the mirror and suddenly, you’ll miss me.
Or else have fun being fat and lonely!

So maybe you should stop sticking your fingers down your throat.
We both know that it’s slimy and chunky and gross.
And you can’t do it in the bathroom,
Or else mother dearest will know.
But I promise you,
I’ll keep shoving my fingers down your throat.

Cause you’ve got no choice, you’ve got no choice!
You’ve got no choice, you’ve got no choice!
You’ve got no choice, you’ve got no choice!
You’ve got no choice, you’ve got no choice!
You’ve got no choice, you’ve got no choice!

So maybe you should stop sticking your fingers down your throat.
We both know that it’s slimy and chunky and gross.
And you can’t do it in the bathroom,
Or else mother dearest will know.
But I promise you,
I’ll keep shoving my fingers down your throat.

Oh no, you can’t get rid of me.
You can’t get rid of me!
Track Name: You Know I'm No Good (cover)
use google this is a very popular song
Track Name: Feb. 25, 2016
I’m so tired of being dizzy and blind.
They say it’ll get better, but I can’t seem to find the time.
Between school and wanting to die,
I know that better’s just a lie.

Oh my god, I’m so emo, I’m so emo.
It sounds like a joke, but it’s how I cope.
I don’t know what else to do.
I’m sorry I’m confusing.
I’m sorry I’m angry.
I’m sorry I’m boring you.

I’m turning 17 and I finally know why that bothers me so much.
I remember the day you were that age.
Too bad I was much younger.
Sometimes I wonder where you are,
Do you wonder where I am?
I hope you don’t,
Because I lost when you had the upper hand.
Track Name: Jewel Thief
How am I supposed to write happy when it’s not what I feel?
So afraid to be open,
So afraid to be real,
This is not real; my life is becoming an illusion.
I’m clouded by self,
Where is my resolution?
Peel back my skin, the only way to feel clean again.

How can it be cliche when the only thing I’ve ever known
Is how to cope in common ways?
Common days, common phase,
Con man ways are not a craze,
Only effects on the conned are tools used against these fools.
And I am the only fool left standing.
All of these rules to be upheld, pools to be rebelled.
Pools to drown in, cause that’s what you make me.
You make me crazy, you make me panic.
Now drugs are all that’s left
For any kind of manic.

I’m sorry I’m so lost like this.
Please don’t think you’ve got an excuse.
Just because you’re four thousand miles away
Doesn’t mean I haven’t tied a noose.
Prayers that my neck would fall prey to it’s next slaughter.
Have you done this more than once?
Have you ruined somebody else’s daughter?

I wish that I could find you.
Maybe say your name, even spell it.
Is this a game to you? It’s not to me.
I can’t find anything realer than the misery, you’ve given me,
Nothing but misery.
Is it time to leave?
Oh, can it be?
I just wanna get out, I wanna escape this fate you’ve led to me.
I’m tired of feeling it’s my fault,
But are you really only to blame?


After all, it’s only my shame.
After all, it’s only my shame.
Track Name: M.C.W.
I woke up dizzy and alone,
Unprepared for the unknown.
But tomorrow will be better.

I coughed up my three square meals,
And I don’t know if my throat will heal.
But tomorrow will be better.

I opened up both of my wrists,
I broke my hands throwing fists.
But tomorrow will be better.

I had two panic attacks,
And I went through half a pack.
But tomorrow will be better.

I drugged up my poor body,
Just to cope with my PTSD.
But tomorrow will be better.

I skipped cleaning up my room,
Just to wallow in my own gloom.
But tomorrow will be better.

My dear friend took her life.
Oh my god, can I get a light?
Tomorrow might be better.

Tomorrow will be better,
Better than ever, I swear.
I swear.
And if tomorrow isn’t better,
Then the next day will be,
I swear to you.
I swear to me.

Tomorrow will be better.
Better than ever.
Tomorrow will be better, I swear.
I swear.